I’ve never been a fan of drugs. As much as the world intimidates me, well, I don’t want to die in the process of suppressing reality.
I’ve heard of writers who did drugs to get inspiration. Sometimes I drink coffee, and sadly it probably has the same effect that narcotics have on normal people. My brain bounces off the walls in my skull, and I think a million different thoughts, some of them profound and some of them just stupid.
The following may just be a product of caffeine. I hope it is inspired by God. I fear the worst. I warn you that what you are about to see is crazy, so crazy it may just be insane. That is the final disclaimer. Here begins what I believe to be the very first combination of philosophical rant, personal narrative, and movie review. This happened to me a few weeks ago.
I am on the way to the movie theater to watch Monster’s University, but my mind is in an entirely different place. I am not emotionally prepared for a lighthearted kid’s movie. As we walk inside, I realize something that I never understood before. I realize that the real problem is not that other people don’t understand me, but that I don’t understand myself. The rational part of my brain often tells me that God lives, that my life is blessed, and that I have every reason to be happy. My emotions tell me otherwise. I know that my emotions are wrong, but I can’t understand them, and I can’t understand why I let them influence me when I know the truth, and this misunderstanding only frustrates me more.
As I am thinking about this, I am suppressing tears, which only proves my point about the great disconnect within me.
I sit down and am resolved to enjoy myself, though I feel undeserving of an innocent, good time because I am so crazy. The slapstick humor in the previews for other kid’s movies only irritate me, but I am hopeful for what the feature presentation has in store. I am a little disappointed in the beginning. Somehow the jokes seem a little simplistic and ill-timed. But I quickly warm up to the movie.
I find myself relating, relating a little more than can be good for me. The little green sphere with the one eye is a version of myself. I feel lonely with him. Hopeful with him. I fail with him, I succeed with him. I triumph with him. I know that this sounds ridiculous. It is just a cartoon movie, I am aware. You really shouldn’t be judging me so much right now. I put the disclaimers.
The humor in this movie isn’t fall on the ground funny. And never do you feel like crying (unlike in Toy Story). Yet this movie has so much truth to it, and I actually think it impacted me. There were even themes. Yes, themes! I can’t believe myself, I’m treating a Disney movie like literature. Hard work and motivation vs. natural talent. Book smarts vs. real life skills. And still others. Not to mention, I didn’t expect the ending!
Mike Wazowski had a dream to work at Monster’s Inc., but everyone in his life was just a naysayer. And sadly, there was truth to the naysaying. But he presses on, he doesn’t hold back, and he makes it.
I want to be who God wants me to be. I want to be a writer, among other things. I want to be a kind, loving, joyful person. So far I haven’t proven myself, but God isn’t through with me yet. Still I’m just an immature kid who does things even stupider than the satirical things kids do in movies. But maybe someday I will be a woman that people can respect, who doesn’t give God a bad name. Maybe someday I will achieve my dreams and be everything I want to be. I was thinking about this in the car, driving back from the movie, because it finally hit me. I wanted to cry because I finally understood the movie. And I understood a little more about God, I think.
But maybe things won’t happen the way I think. That’s what’s in the back of my head. Somehow, that was still kind of okay with me. Whatever happens, everything is going to be alright. God only does things that are good for me. In the end, if I just push on and hold on, it will all be just as it should have been all along.
As I’m sitting in the car, I feel alive for the first time in weeks. I feel an exhilarating joy and a deep sadness at the same time, but the joy overwhelms the sadness. Suddenly everything looks different to me now. My mind is racing. I am thinking in a way and at a level I don’t usually think. I feel like the guy from the movie “Limitless.” Suddenly things seem to make sense. Suddenly I feel wiser and elevated from my struggles, but at the same time more confused. I am paying little attention to the things I usually pay attention to and more attention to other things, unusual things. Instead of buildings and cars, I notice the flowers on the weeds on the side of the road. It’s weird, but extraordinary, and I wouldn’t trade the feeling for anything!