Shades of Loneliness

Yesterday, I was listening to one of those comedy routines on satellite radio. They seem to be much less dirty than the ones on TV and some of them are actually quite funny in a nice kind of way. To paraphrase, the comedian was talking about how when we are  very young, we are proud of being able to do things by ourselves, but as we get older, that sort of changes. He even started singing “All by Myself,” which quite tickled me while I was driving. You would have had to hear it. I really hope I’m not plagiarizing his material in some way. 

So I guess for a long time I’ve been, “lonely” in many ways. I know that my family is always there for me, but other people just seem to disappoint, constantly. I know, at least I have my family. A very valid point, to be sure, but if you tell me that while I’m in a bad mood, I’d probably scowl at you. Even though it’s the truth. 

I’ve tried justifying my sadness. People need companionship, I tell myself. I just need to work a little harder, I think. I just need to relax, I’ll get it eventually, this and that.

But just like anyone with a chronic problem, I also try to justify the problem, which is a rational course of action. But this is less effective. I tell myself that if I needed a lot of friends, God would have given them to me, therefore, it is absurd to worry about it. I tell myself that maybe I don’t have friends because I’m in it for the wrong reasons, like validation and having someone I can eat fro yo with. I should be in it for the sake of promoting God. 

I also tell myself that I have a hard time making friends and maintaining friendships in the long term because there is something wrong with me. I do have evidence for this, but that’s besides the point. This is the least productive way for me to justify the problem.

At the end of the day, I know I just need to accept it. Grow a pair or something. Because you can pine and pine and pine your whole life for things, slapping conditions on your happiness. I just need to make a friend, find a spouse, buy a house, make more money, get this promotion, get my kids on track, lose a few pounds, get settled…

You can spend your whole life in this fruitless rat race. Or you can give up and just take it a day at a time. Because this is the day that the Lord has made. As long as I have God, I don’t need anyone. All there is for me to do is talk to people, try share the love, and then things will go where they go. As hard as it is for me to accept this reality, I need to, because I could keep over at any moment without having fulfilled any of my dreams. Depressing as that sounds, well, that’s the way it works, and there’s something beautiful about it if you know where to look.





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