We talk about self image in one of my classes, managing diverse teams. I suppose I talk about that class a lot. But anyway, talking about self image has brought up an interesting question, that was bound to come up eventually. Who am I?
I’ve tired, unsuccessfully, to create a certain image. I want people to see me as confident, calm, macho (in a girly kind of way), responsible, worldly, and resourceful. But sadly, that’s just not me. So this image falls apart at the seams constantly. Because who I really am is this: nervous, awkward, clumsy, and emotional. But what does God want me to be? Sadly, I have a feeling that it’s very different from who I am and who I want to be.
There is one thing I know, and it’s that God doesn’t want me to worry. But does that mean that there is something wrong with my whole personality type? Probably. I suppose I’ll never be suave, but at least I could try to not agonize over every little thing. That’s not much to ask for, except that my anxiousness is an integral part of my personality.
So, I’ll try and take it a step at a time, as much as I would like to change completely overnight. If I can’t stop being so weird, I suppose I could at least try to stop worrying on a larger scale when it comes to the general direction of my life. It’s an hourly struggle, and it means holding back a lot of tears and repressing a lot of anger. But I know that I don’t have the right to wallow in misery, attractive as that seems sometimes. I need to take things as they are and keep pushing on. And I know it’ll all be worth it eventually.