Doubting Again

It is a fact that every Christian doubts from time to time. It is a fact that every Christian falls into sin from time to time. But exactly how far they can fall until it becomes the point of no return- that is very debatable. Of course, it seems like that point doesn’t exist. Doesn’t God’s mercy have no bounds?

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And then, there’s always this verse that scares us. I probably almost wet my pants when I read it:

Hebrews 6:4-6 (NIV)

“It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted of the goodness of the Word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subject Him to public disgrace.”

Of course, there are more than one interpretations of this verse. If you are interested, you should check out this article. Basically, it talks about how this verse is taken out of context, and that it refers more to the impossibility of saving ourselves when we have fallen away rather than the impossibility of being saved. Because all things are possible with God, right?

But now I will abandon this discourse and talk about my own doubt, assuming that I have not been cast under eternal damnation already. Even though things have been going well lately, I have been doubting a lot, thanks to Satan. I am reading 1 Kings at the moment (KJV), and I find myself getting annoyed at times. Like, why did God express it that way? Why did God bother with Israel for so long under such interesting circumstances and evil kings? Why wasn’t He more literary in his narratives? Why does He repeat Himself?

Of course there are answers to these questions, but what God really wants me to know is: HELLO, WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I LAID THE FOUNDATION OF THE EARTH? I mean really, who am I to be critical? Who am I to be blasphemous? I can feel God telling me off right now like he did to Job, except that I consider myself guiltier than Job. God has been blessing me more than usual, and this is what I have to give Him in return?

I don’t want to be phony, I don’t want to misrepresent myself. I have questioned the merits of following God, I have questioned His word. I have blasphemed, stumbled, been irreverent, ungrateful, disobedient, indulgent to whims and wild emotions, and have probably committed idolatry. Some people say that it is okay to question God, but I think that so easily that gets out of hand. Questioning is normal and natural, to be sure. We see it all over Psalms. But so easily, I think, can it become criticism and bitterness. So we must be careful so that does not happen. We should definitely think about the things that we believe in. We are not mindless robots, because God didn’t make us that way. We should “know how to answer every man.” But don’t get too carried away, too pedantic, too intellectual, too scarf-wearing. At the end of the day, we are all children of God. There are some things we will never understand while we are on earth, and probably some things that we will never fully understand. But we must trust God, I must trust God, because I know that He created the universe and I know that He created me.

PSALM 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

My heart is not proud, Lord,
    my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
    or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
    I am like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child I am content.

Israel, put your hope in the Lord
    both now and forevermore.

 

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