As I feared, it seems that beginner’s luck was the explanation for the success of my first golf lesson. Today at the driving range, I think I made more contact with the dirt than I did with the golf ball.
This evening, I suddenly got very depressed, looking back on my life. I know it seems like a strange reaction to a bad day on the driving range, but I don’t claim to always be rational. Sometimes, I just feel like my life has been one big failure. My physical shortcomings, lack of publishing credentials… the fact that no matter what I do, people find me repulsive… my inability to control my emotions and create the appearance of “having it all together.”
I look at other people all the time, and whether I realize it or not, I’m wondering, “Why can’t I be more like them?” It’s not even in the most noble ways. I wish that I could look to others only to make myself improve as a person. But instead, I wish that I was as poised and confident as them, as likable as them, and not even for the right reasons. For my own reasons, so I can bring glory to myself. It sounds sick and narcissistic when you put it like that, but, well, that’s one way of putting it, and sadly, it’s fairly accurate.
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones
All the time, I want to be someone I’m not, because I can’t stand who I am. How much of who I am is what God intended and how much isn’t? I can’t tell, but I do know that I’m going about this the wrong way. And I know that I’m going about this the wrong way because I’m not always asking for God’s help. I need to ask God to make me who He wants me to be. And maybe that person isn’t the most suave, the most likable, the most charismatic, but I do know what that person is. That person is kind-hearted, loving, generous, patient, and resilient. That person loves God with all their heart, soul, and strength…and that person seems like a million miles away. Sometimes it seems like they’re the polar opposite of me. But in me is the potential to be that person, that much I know, and if I would just let the Holy Spirit come in and do its thing, I’m sure that little by little, my outer shell would be chipped away, then I will be chiseled and molded, and some bright day, when I’m no longer on this earth, that person will have her day.