Yesterday, the world was a menacing, senseless, torture trap that existed to humiliate and strip away my dignity layer by painful layer, until I would become just a worthless blob, effeminated (I think I just made up that word) with only an instinctive will to live.
Today, the world doesn’t seem like that at all. It seems serene, orderly, and somewhat just, well, at least for me. I have to stop myself from falling in love with it rather than stopping myself for wagging my finger at God. iI wasn’t a sublime, glorious awakening to leave me in a surreal state of bliss, but it was something. I just feel now as if nothing can touch me. God has protected me from what I feared the worst, and I have no reason not to take his hand and get on this crazy magic carpet thing into quite literally God knows where… that was such a random and cliche Disney analogy, but I think I’ll keep it.
What I’ve been going through doesn’t even seem all that serious anymore. I mean, what about the people in the Philippines? My life and my struggles aren’t the center of the universe, and they shouldn’t even be the center of my universe. How can I deceive myself into believing that it all really matters in the grand scheme of things? Not that it really, truly doesn’t matter, in a downer existentialist sense, but I’m saying, in the best possible way, that it doesn’t matter. Because God is God, right is right, and the world will keep on turning for as long as it will. God is the fortress, God is the power, God is the redeemer, His son, the lamb.
Does it even matter what happens tomorrow? It will have to be dealt with, for sure, but why is it that I’m not having a full-blown panic attack? I’m not saying that all kinds of worry have been permanently purged from my being, but that would be nice. I’m just saying that I recognize, and it’s about time, that I need to just live in the moment, and smile, and breathe evenly.