A Blue Christmas

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I am beginning to understand why the approach of the holidays (Christmas, in my book, because it least it has the word Christ in it) often makes people depressed. I remember being a kid, and loving Christmas, for materialistic reasons, mostly, but being excited about it just the same. Was I going to get the newest gaming system thing, or, worst case scenario, just some new dolls? I wish I hadn’t been so greedy, but I miss those simpler sorts of dilemmas.

But this Christmas is not going to be so hot. With no friends, no extended family coming over, no material things to receive, and nothing that I even want that can be bought with money… what’s there to look forward to? No wonder suicide rates are so high this time of year, a lot of people have much less to look forward to than I do.

“It’s just another birthday (my birthday is a few days before Christmas), just another Christmas, just another New Year, which will be the same as last year or even worse, and at the end of it, I’ll be the same as the year before, or even worse. Where are the best years of my life?”

I can spend a lot of time thinking like this, thinking about how pathetic my life is and how I can’t wait to go to heaven and sing with the angels and my Christian friends who never liked me on earth. But then I remember… why am I wasting my time being sad and holding back tears? What does it matter if some parts of my life aren’t perfect? Who said that life was going to be easy and predictable and rosy all the time? Am I the first person who has experienced hurt? No. Will I be the last? No. Does anyone want to hear me complain, does anyone think my pain is justified, and does anyone really care? No.

I have everything that I need. And at least I can look forward to spending time with my immediate family, writing, perhaps some cookie baking and tree-decorating. What more can a person want out of life?

In economics, we learn about how self-interest makes the world go round. We learn how “smart for one, smart for all” puts food on the table. Yet I don’t want to live that way. I don’t want to always be thinking about how to improve my life and worrying about what people think of me. I want to do my job and keep my soul, living a life that responds to Christ’s great sacrifice. I’m so tired of being tired… it’s time to wake up and suck it up.

Photo: http://www.webmd.com

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