Sometimes You Wanna Go (where you have no name)

Bleep, bleep, bleep. It’s just before 5 and I’m supposed to get up and read the Word. But it’s cold and dark, and I don’t want to. Must get dressed, must leave, no time for stuff, but apparently, time to curl my eyelashes that will fall down by the end of the day anyway.

8 AM. Stumbling around in a large room, trying to find my seat. I am now a number. Writing my name on my Principles of Microeconomics Final. Making small talk with the girl next to me. “Good luck” she says. Apparently I had grown deaf, so I asked her to repeat herself like twice. What else would a stranger say before a test?

1-2. Epically failing my golf lesson. Instructor pulling out all the stops, my body unwilling to hit a small white ball squarely. He even scooped up sand and put it behind the ball, telling me to try and hit the sand in the air. You know it’s bad when they get creative.

Around 3. Mad at the world. Bitter about circumstances. Deliberating about the future. Wanting to eat away my troubles. Considering the benefits of booze. Wishing to run off to the forest and leave it all behind, self-surviving in a modest and wholesome way. Routine, modern life, boredom, ingratitude slowly killing me.

3- studying, avoiding studying, eating away some troubles. Reminding myself of the good things that are going, like my study group planned for tomorrow (lately that has been the closest I’ve had to a social life). Why should God give me stuff if I don’t even appreciate what I have, pursuing Him wholeheartedly?

Present- blogging. Need to communicate with God. Need to lay it all down. But I am afraid. I am afraid that God doesn’t want me, that I don’t belong to Him anymore, that I can’t belong to Him. Feeling trapped by circumstances. Wall between me and God. Must climb. But it’s hard. Will I fall? “Stop climbing! You’ll never get there!” They tell me. Why do I need to listen to them? My palms are sweating, but I can feel the freedom and love and peace already. It’ll be worth it.

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