Sometimes when I hear love songs, I try to imagine that these songs are not about earthly relationships, but about a more divine relationship- the love that is between God and humans. The relationship between God and I, or you and God. I suppose that is what worship songs should strive to portray. For example, maybe about a year ago, I was very moved by the song “More than Words” by Extreme. I was able to make it even sweeter and more beautiful in my imagination.
I suppose I didn’t do that when I was listening to music yesterday. Per my mother’s request, we listened to the “love” station in the car. I can’t say that I “love” all those songs, but I was a little touched by “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman.” Anyway, these songs reminded me of something- the fact that there is a very distinct possibility that I will be alone for the rest of my life.
Why do I think this, you ask? Surely I’m too young to be an old maid. Of course that is true- but I still just don’t imagine myself happily married with children. I don’t even have any friends right now, so how is it that I’ll find someone who is willing to spend a few hours with me, much less the rest of our lives? It’d possible, of course. It would be an insult to God to say that it is impossible, although somewhat improbable. So it is possible- but is it ideal for me? I can’t answer that question right now, obviously, but here’s what I will say- there’s no shame in a life of celibacy. I’ve never led a normal life, really. I come from an unusual and awesome home. I was never popular or even completely accepted by my small group of friends at school. I don’t see why any of that should change. I can’t name a single thing I’ve done to deserve the blessing of commaradary.
I suppose I’m not a big romantic. I suppose that I am fine with the prospect of being mateless… At least for now. That is a problem that even perfectly normal people have. The saddest part of the whole thing is just that I have no confidence in myself in general. I am just so resigned to it, so prepared to spend the rest of my life alone.
The natural answer to this question may be that I need to stop hating myself. The trouble is, I don’t exactly make myself easy to love. Another solution may be to stop listening to too many love songs, since they clearly remind me of things that I don’t need to spend any more time thinking about. The bottom line is that anything is possible. But no matter what happens, God will be with me, and if I let Him, He will work through me. And that’s a comforting thought.