Is it weird that I feel so comfortable online, where my every keystroke is recorded and possibly monitored by Big Brother, to be used against me in the future? Yet I refuse to believe it sometimes. This blog is like a sanctuary for my mind. It’s an oasis in the desert.
Maybe I’m exaggerating a little. But it is pretty serene compared to other aspects of my life. Not that I necessarily lead an unusually busy or hectic life. I am referring to the needless anxiety that I constantly face, anxiety that is purely caused by my brain’s tendency to move at a hundred miles an hour towards a dead end. Anxiety that makes it hard to socialize, drive a car, do things that most people wouldn’t even think twice about. Anxiety that makes it hard to trust God and enjoy the ride.
So basically, I’m crazy. Basically, I fear that God doesn’t want me. I fear that I don’t want God. Well, I fear a whole bunch of things, but that is probably what it all boils down to.
And yet, here on my blog, I can just unwind, say what’s on my mind, talk about my day. Maybe not the place to unearth all the skeletons in my closet and go on full-scale, unbridled rants. Though that may be tempting at times. It is a place where I can talk about God without being given dirty looks or feeling like a hypocrite. On one hand, it’s a good thing because, optimistically, I imagine that I am helping to further the Kingdom. On the other, sometimes I feel like I’m just hiding behind my words. I’m trying to be someone that I can’t live up to in real life. I’ve created some kind of alter ego that is more eloquent, more righteous, more… well, lovable than the real me. I wonder why blog-me can’t be real-me. I wonder why I feel a surprising amount of validation and support on this blog, but in real life, I feel as if the whole world is plotting to exclude me. I often struggle to muster the courage to talk to people and be myself. Because it seems that when I do have the courage, I don’t have the right words. And yet, isn’t it better to have talked and failed than to never have talked at all? I don’t know.
Well, I suppose here is where I can get tripped up. The question is not “What-Would-Underground-Voices Do?” It is “What would Jesus do?” Yes, that is the question. Maybe that is why I like writing, because at least I can’t see your reaction to my bumper sticker quotes.
Well, that’s my thought for the day. Thanks for reading, you don’t know how much it means to me.