I did a lot of things today. But in a sense, I did very little. I followed through with almost everything that I’d set out to do. But when the sun set, and I was alone in my room, I realized just how depressed I really was.
I followed my schedule. I hurried around, trying not to be late, showing up to places, yet my mind was no where. I drank coffee, but it did not improve my mood like it sometimes seems to do. It only made me more restless. I ate food I liked, but it did not fill the void. I ate a Chinese pastry, and I got a stomachache. I passed out flyers, but the whole time I was self conscious and embarrassed. I jacked up my voice and I moved my muscles into something like a smile, but on the inside I just felt weird.
In my effort, in my planning, the goal was to succeed, but I only succeeded in stumbling and bumbling my way through hallways, social situations. Worrying, needlessly worrying about nothing, driving myself crazy, then sensing that people could tell I was worried, which made me even more worried. Then I tried to calculate the extent to which they actually cared. It sounds so stupid when I type it out. So I was dwelling on utter nonsense, seeking approval from the world.
Doubting, mistrusting, self-depricating, dying. That is what the world has taught me to do.
What did I do wrong? I don’t understand it. I tell myself to let Christ live in me, but I don’t feel it happening. I feel like I’m still driving the car, and He’s just screaming at me to make a U-turn before I wind up in Hell. Sorry for the really bad metaphor.
Life is so funny. You can tell yourself to do things for so long, and never end up doing them. And by that I mean, I have such a hard time opening up my heart for God.
I’m sorry this post was so negative. I was going for Ecclesiastical. My point was that nothing matters without God, and we are bound to fail one way or another without Him.