On the Brink

I’ve been a little anxious lately about the future. You see, I’m one of those people who plans everything out. And I mean everything. I’ve simply got to know what I’m going to eat the next day, what I’m going to wear, what I’m going to do… I just feel like I’ve got to make it all work on my own. Really? Is that what I still believe after all I’ve been through in my journey with God? That I am the director, writer, editor, actor of the drama of my life? I think not.

It’s just that I feel so close to everything that I ever dreamed of. It seems like it’d be crazy to not take action and just make things happen.

On Wednesday morning, I have a Bible study planned. Maybe lots of people will come, who knows! Maybe we’ll do the fundraisers and evangelisms that I had in mind.

Maybe next year I’ll live on campus so I won’t have to drive about an hour just to get to school.

Maybe I’ll get a good job and move out. And then I’ll finally be free. That is, after I can figure out how to schedule my classes. And then, of course, I’ll need to find some internships…

Of course, that is the optimistic view of things. I am reasonably sure that things will not go that way. They never do. And I’m also pretty sure that I’ll have resentment in my heart when things don’t go my way. I’ll tell myself that it’s okay, that it’s all part of the adventure, and that I’ll learn a lot more through any hardship or suffering that accompany my new circumstances. But will I feel that way deep down in my heart?

God will always have the last word. Always. We all like to think that we’re in control, but are we really? We get arrogant because it seems like we have our lives in order and that we are succeeding. But don’t we realize that God could make it all come crashing down? Don’t we realize that we could die at any moment? That our loved ones could die at any moment? 

We don’t realize that we are part of a spiritual battle, bigger than the rat race, bigger than you could imagine. Who can really control what happens to them? Show me that person, please! It’s true, as the old saying goes, that we can control our attitude. And what that really boils down to is: is God enough? Or not?

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

-Matthew 16:25 NIV







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