Adventures Outside of My Shell

I’ve been afraid of life itself for years now. Things that most people find mundane, to me, are like a Six Flags Roller coaster with no safety rails.

Today was different. Today was scary. I’m glad I had today.

I started off the day by parking in a different parking structure. And then I carried a bag of muffins to a Bible study that I led. I know, I can’t believe I tried to lead something either. It didn’t go like I planned. I wasn’t all smooth and eloquent like I thought I would be. I think I could have relief on God much more. Yet I would still consider it a success to some degree. For logistical reasons, I don’t know about the future of the group, but the future isn’t important, is it?

And then, after school, I got gas for the first time by myself, believe it or not. It really is kind of amazing. I drive over 200 miles a week… You would think I would find myself at a gas station from time to time. But anyway, I was very anxious about doing this. Let me explain why this is a big deal.

I hate gasoline. I fear gasoline. There, I said it. I don’t consider myself much of an environmentalist, but let me tell you, I dream of the day that cars will run on love and peace rather than fossil fuels. Why do I hate gasoline? Because it is what I consider a “chemical.” I hate chemicals. I avoid Windex like the plague. And don’t get me started on the photography class I took in high school. The dark room was a very dark room for me indeed.

I have other highly embarrassing stories about this, but I won’t go into them. I think we have established that I am a lunatic. And if this isn’t enough, now I have a somewhat rational reason to fear the gas station. All the three times I’ve gone, somehow, I’ve gotten either straight-up gasoline, miscellaneous gassy grease, or a dirt-bio-gas-bacteria mixture on my hands. Today was the dirt-bio-gas-mixture. It made me yearn for the pure gasoline. At least that came off with soap; this junk clung to my fingernails and wouldn’t come out until I stuck my finer in a lemon and wiggled it around violently. Has anyone else ever gotten this stuff on their hands? Everyone else seems to fill up their tank with such ease and style. Me? I still don’t know how to do it without pulling on the trigger. Seriously, I can’t figure out that tab locking thing on it. Maybe my hands get dirty because I just fumble gracelessly with the thing too much. Sometimes I seriously question my ability to survive in the real world. Well, at least I used diesel. Apparently, if my car doesn’t get diesel #2, it will burst into flames, and the world will just end. Or something like that.

I came reasonably close to rear-ending someone today. I also came close to hitting someone with my rear. And then, of course, I got flipped off (I think) when I actually wasn’t doing anything wrong. Go figure. But look, here I am, alive. I’m so glad I broke my routine. The routine was starting to hurt my soul.

I’m alive now, that’s what’s important. It’s not the fact that I fail at driving and performing simple tasks, or that I won’t be winning any best-Bible-study- leader awards. I may have almost died at least once, but what’s more important is that today I feel that I almost lived. Sometimes, we have to face our fears. And maybe eventually we’ll realize that nothing is so scary after all as long as we have God by our side.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s