Hope, that is what keeps up going. For years, I’ve been telling myself that it’ll get better. I was sure that “It” was going to get better in college. But the fact is, I don’t feel that “it” is getting better, and I don’t think “It” is, and what’s more, I don’t know if I’m exactly sure what “it” is and if I should have any part in it.
I suppose “it” changes. I suppose “It” is mostly comprised of things that are not important at all.
Lately, I’ve been really upset/stressed about future career plans. I know it sounds ridiculous because I’m not even close to graduating, but I suppose I’ve let myself be swayed by the motion.
“You must network! You must get internships! You must get involved! You must get good grades, get a job, oh and have some fun while you’re at it too.”
My response: I can’t do any of that! I’m being kept down, kept down I tell you! Ugh, how frustrating! Don’t you think I’d do anything to jam my foot in the door? And what’s more, my grades aren’t good and I’m not having fun. I feel so lonely, my life is a joyless waste of time…
Why is this a big deal for me? I mean, it makes sense why other people are concerned, but why does this stuff matter to me? Why am I stressing out about it? Even if none of this works out and I have no money and no job after I graduate, I could probably just live with my parents for a while. So it’s really not a life or death situation at all. And what’s more, this kind of worldly stuff should not be my goal anyway. Because of the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.
I always know in the back of my head that none of this matters, and yet I still have a hard time convincing the front of my head.
Why do I sometimes think I lead a wasted, joyless life anyway? Do I even need to explain why this is not true?
Yesterday, I talked to someone. I mean, I really talked to this person. That’s something that doesn’t happen to me very often. It seems I rarely get out of the small talk realm. She asked me more questions than most people, and I ended up telling her a lot of things that I usually don’t tell people upon first meeting them. Not super personal things, but not trivial things either. I don’t know, she just seemed to get me. She even said I was “funny.” Most people don’t know what to make of me. I suppose that’s really my fault. I should try being myself every once in a while. I’m just not good at playing a role. I’m going to be weird no matter what, why not be weird in the way that is most natural to me?
It’s things like this that are the joy in life. It’s the one time out of ten that you meet someone who seems to appreciate you a little. It’s the one homework assignment that you really understand. It’s the one day that the Bible made sense. It’s the time that you almost get slapped by a turning semi truck, but you don’t. It’s eating fish. It’s playing chess with your father. It’s picking a piece of fruit from God’s creation. The joy is not in “it.” The joy is not “The American Dream” (which is a little different for everyone).
But above all else, the joy is in knowing that whatever happens, whatever in the world happens, that God is with you, and that He loves you, and that He will let you serve him forever and ever in bliss. “It” is a pain. “It” isn’t what I need. If I got everything in the world I ever dreamed of, what would I have? If I had friends who really liked me, if I was free to do whatever I want, if I got my picture in magazines, if I had all the money in the world, what would I have if I didn’t have God? And what would I have that I don’t already have now?