What Is There To Fear?

I wouldn’t say that my baptism today was like my fairytale wedding to Jesus, but it was special. I did get cold feet in the bathroom of the Cheesecake factory, where I asked myself, is there really a God? But I sorted that out in the car and was happy to get dunked into the holy waters of a jacuzzi.

A lot of people came, which made me happy even though I didn’t talk to all of them. Honestly, I was nervous, because I am usually nervous around people, especially when I am the center of attention.

Now I must once again ask myself this question: why am I afraid of people? I ask myself this every day. I have come up with answers, but not really solutions.

I wish the reason was wholly innocent, but I don’t think it is. I must be afraid of people because I secretly mistrust them. I must subconsciously worry that they will hurt me. But I don’t want them to hurt me. So I naively seek out love and acceptance.

Sometimes I feel like no one really loves me in the same way that they love other people. My family- they love me because they have to. My brothers and sisters- they try love me because God compels them to. My acquaintances- well, they don’t hate me but they’ll soon drift out of my life. God? Well, I guess he loves me.

Clearly, this is the wrong attitude, I am sure you are thinking that, and it’s true, I am ashamed to admit this. Who do I think I am that people need to love me for special reasons? My goodness, no one said that life was going to be a Hallmark movie or a fairytale. And do I always love people for special reasons? No! Do I completely accept people and gloss over their faults? Of course not! There’s a lot more wrong with this way of thinking, I don’t even think I can cover it all. It’s self indulgent and misguided for one thing. There is only so much love and sympathy circulating in the world right now. I don’t really see why I should have it all. Not everyone has a loving family and a million friends, so I don’t know why I seem to think that.

And why isn’t God’s love for me enough? Why, why, why, I find myself crying out. Why don’t I believe that He loves me? Why do I believe that I am so vastly different from everyone else? Why do I believe that I will be a reject for eternity?

And even if I will be a reject for all eternity, even if I will be the one washing God’s feet while everyone else is wearing white robes and singing hymns, my question is “Who cares?”

When did I become the center of the universe? Why does everybody need to love me? No!!! Love God. Love God. Love God. He is enough. It is enough that He is. It is more than enough that I was created to glorify Him.

So I don’t know what will happen to me. I don’t know how psychological and how physiological my problem is. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop being nervous and socially awkward. But maybe I can stop being so afraid. I think there is enough fear and doubt in this world already. Maybe I should also stop it with the introspection, my worst enemy is probably my own mind.


5 comments on “What Is There To Fear?

  1. Carrie Leigh says:

    I, too, share a fear of people . . . a fear of not being accepted, not being good enough. I overcompensate by trying to please everybody. If i make them happy then maybe they will like me. It took me many years to be alright with myself and who I am, and I know that God is the only one I should be working to please. But old habits die hard. Keep the faith . . . in yourself and in our wonderful and loving God.

  2. I think your fear is very valid, and common.

    God is in all of us, and I think that this is why it baffles me that people don’t treat each other better. Especially people that are fellow Christians.

    In the end, the conclusion I have come to is that I can only be the best person I can be, and I treat people with as much love and kindness as I can. I try to be an example of what God wants us to be, and it feels good! Not everyone will reciprocate, but that is their journey, not mine.

    Great post. Thought provoking!

    • It’s good that you have come to a place where you can love people without caring what they think. That is a good attitude to have… Caring about what people think is so exhausting! Thanks for the encouragement!

      • Well, the way to think of it is, “Do these people wake up in the morning and think about what I am doing? Do I wake up thinking about what they’re doing?” Chances are – NO. So, live and let live.

        You will get to that place where you don’t care what they think. Make yourself happy – happiness is as infectious as misery. Choose to be happy. 🙂

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