A little over a year ago, when I was just on the cusp of finishing high school… that was one of the most hopeful times of my life. I thought that in only a few months my life was going to radically change for the better. I wouldn’t be alone anymore. I wouldn’t be unsure of myself anymore. I was going to blossom into some kind of normal, productive citizen. I was going to become the ideal Christian, someone whom people would think of as a “good person,” whatever that means. Yes sir, the next time my classmates would see me at our reunion, they would hardly recognize me. I would be a completely calm and functional human being. Hopefully a little stylish and charming too.
My, was I off the mark. I am no where near that goal, and thank God for that.
I had foolish and vain dreams of a better life back then. I still have those dreams.
I was lonely at the time. And I am still lonely, but in a slightly different way.
I was worried, and I am still worried.
I was a horrible sinner, and I still am.
Then what’s different? It’s hard to say, really. The good news is that I don’t have to measure my worth with some kind of instrument. God would rather me focus on the here and now, what I can do at this moment, rather than what I was and what I have been and what I “am.” It’s the enemy who forces me to constantly look within myself for guidance.
I may still be lonely, but I have no right to be mad at God about it. I know that it’s good for me, He knows that it’s good for me, and we both know why. God gives me all that I need and more.
You want to know something? I’m not okay. Not okay. I won’t tell people that, but it’s true. And I can’t be the only one.
But God is more than okay. God is the glory. God is the light. He is my rock and He is my Doctor.
So it’s okay that I’m not okay. Let my dreams die, what does it matter? Let me ask the question, for once in my life, “What do you want, God?”