I was tired after another day of virtually endless deliberation. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good day in every other aspect. Nothing bad happened to me at all, actually on the contrary- I was generally feeling very good about the human race. Sure there were some awkward moments and annoying girls sitting behind me in a lecture that I kind of wanted to teach a real lesson to, but the good really outweighed the bad. If you read my last post, you know the reason that I was feeling so indecisive. I felt like the decision that needed to be made somehow in some mysterious way was a matter of spiritual life and death- a matter of rejecting God or accepting Him.
But I guess I don’t really want to go into that. I would rather talk about how I was watering my pots in the hot house tonight. I had just planted some seeds in there a couple days back. When I finished watering, I looked in each pot very carefully, and in one I found germination.
“Germination!” I cried. I know this doesn’t seem like much of a miracle, and on any other day I would have just shrugged it off, but at that moment I was so touched by those cute, tiny little leaves emerging from the potting soil against all odds. I can’t explain the joy I felt at knowing that I was created by the same God as those little seedlings. I nearly started crying. I know, I know, I’m what emotionally unstable, but honestly I don’t give a camel’s needle because this is the way God wired me.
Seeing that seedling, in a way, was an answer to a prayer. Although my dilemma still plagued me, I thought about many other things. I thought about all the good people I’d seen, and why so many were suffering and confused and why they don’t believe in God like I do. I also felt a little sad when I heard that Robin Williams passed away, even though most of the time I am extremely indifferent about the hardships of people I don’t know (or even people I do know). But he seemed like such a nice fellow, that’s the impression I got and I’m sure that’s how many people feel, because my WordPress reader is full of tributes to him. May he rest in peace and may others in his situation find the strength to carry on.
Often, when I pray for people, I am not all that sincere. I mean, it can become kind of a meaningless ritual. But today, I was thinking about my mother who doesn’t believe in God, and all the good people in the world, and the homeless man I only gave a stupid worthless graham cracker pack to, and I just felt sad. I got a little weepy, and I’m pretty sure it was for their sake and not my own.
Do you know how many tears I’ve shed for myself over my short lifetime? Not even counting necessarily tears of passion or emotion, but tears of pure self-pity? If I had a dollar for every one of them, I could but a mansion and a custom Rolls. And if I had a dollar for every tear I’ve shed for another soul or for the sufferings of Lord Jesus, I would be out in the streets eating discarded french fries from a dumpster. That is another kind of poverty.
But do you know what? I saw those seedlings coming through. If they grow up and don’t get eaten, they’ll be healthy, wholesome plants. What I’m saying is, maybe what God has planted in me is finally starting to germinate, if I may be so presumptuous and uncharacteristicaly optimistic to suggest such a wonderful and undeserved blessing. What I’m saying is that even though I don’t understand the world, I still trust God. What I’m saying is that I believe that God is righteous. I don’t know who’s going to heaven or hell and I don’t want to know. I don’t know why we all do things we regret, why I often feel nothing good but only anxiety, jealousy, indifference, hatred, etc. But I do know that something stirred within me today and I don’t want to forget about it.