What’s Really Going On (Spiritual Warfare Trigger Warning)

I guess I shouldn’t try to exact sympathy. It’s got to be my fault that I’ve let my mind become the violent battleground of God and Satan. I could have just let Christ’s victory on the cross be enough. But no, I had to have my own absurd, psychotic, philosophical war which makes so little sense that I can’t even begin to describe it properly. And yet here I am talking about it. 

I wish there was some kind of drug you could take to wipe your mind clear, like amnesia. I’d trade any intelligence I have for a day of peace. 

But there’s not, and I can’t. The easy way out isn’t the right way out. 

How did this all begin? And what justification is there for it? My life is more peaceful than usual, on the outside. Really, I’ve made peace with a lot of things. I’ve made peace with loneliness in a way. I’m grateful that my family seems to love me, despite all the reasons not to. I’ve slowed down the pace in the rat race. I have no particular beefs with anyone because people have generally been good to me, so it seems that Satan has decided to turn me against the human race in general, forcing me to philosophize, judge, mistrust, and hate when I obviously have no right to do any of that when I am apparently a million times more screwed up than anyone just for entertaining these evil thoughts.

This is all so confusing. I am torn between two poles: a hateful, jealous, violent, destructive, disgusting one, and a kind, loving, forgiving, peaceful one. I guess I’m somewhere in the middle. I would just like to be on the second pole. Or would I?

Of course, a lot of this has to do with too much free time and a lack of focus. And that’s certainly part of it. Sometimes these thoughts go away, or God drives them away… but they always seem to return. Because it’s hard to forget what you know. 

I know this all seems really dark and hopeless, and in a way it is, because it’s not an easy problem to solve. But I still believe that I’m saved. I know, I know, Christians are supposed to be good, sane, and normal people. Yeah, I get it. It makes a little sense if you’re a mess before you’re saved, but afterward? That’s just not… good. And I don’t claim to be good. I don’t think this is good, but that doesn’t mean that good can’t come out of it. Good can come out of it in the same way a plant can grow in the ashes of a house fire (that does happen, right?)

I mean this- that I am sharing this story (again) in the hope that it will glorify God. Why not? Why isn’t it to God’s glory if He can save even miserable people like me? Why isn’t it a miracle that I feel loved by Him, in spite of it all?

But right here is where one of my pitfalls is. Sometimes I focus too much on my personal relationship with God, forgetting that so many people have personal relationships with God and will have personal relationships with God. Sometimes I feel that it is just me vs. this evil, superficial society and its endless members whom I am supposed to love, somehow. 

Lord, I’ve admitted the sin, please help me to truly despise it with all my heart and soul and turn from it! Anyone out there who’s reading this, please pray for me, not for my own sake, but for the sake of those around me who deserve my genuine love and not the politeness that masks my depression. If you don’t understand anything I’ve said, then give yourself a pat on the back. You are likely a sane and upright human being. If you do understand, thank you. If you understand too much, please let us bear this burden together in spirit. 

And now I’m a bit teary again, what’s new.




16 comments on “What’s Really Going On (Spiritual Warfare Trigger Warning)

  1. This post touch so close to home for me. I am in the same boat of depression and misery right now. I know God is there and has my back but I find it so hard to smile lately.

    • Thank you so much for you kind comment. I don’t know why it’s so hard to get through the days even when we know that the Lord is with us and that the things that are unseen are what is really important, etc, but it just is sometimes. I pray that you will find sustained peace and joy

  2. I understand exactly where you are right now. Been there many times in my life. On days like that, call or write to someone that you may have lost touch with. Renew relationships. Reach out. It helps a lot.

  3. 50djohnson says:

    Oh, my friend , there is a spiritual battle going on for the minds of Christians in these dangerous days. Claiming the verse “God goes before me, making my crooked paths straight” and “Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world!” It is quite a comfort knowing how the story ends!!! 😛 it is not you vs evil. “This Battle is not Yours but its Gods” is one of my poems. I’d love for you to read it! I think you’d be encouraged ! God Bless

  4. wlloydjr says:

    I’m praying for you. I’m sitting at this fork in the road in my life and I feel like both directions just lead me to the same fork cept this time, I’m climbing a mountain to no where.

  5. abodyofhope says:

    Thank you for being honest about the human struggle. It is refreshing to read a Christian blog that doesn’t hide behind “church speak.” People need to know it isn’t easy, but it’s a life and relationship and heart worth seeking. Your above post couldn’t help but remind me of Psalm 16 if you get a chance to check it out… Good tidings on your journey.

  6. Cindy says:

    As you can tell by the comments, many people are in the same boat as you. You’re mistaking the masks that most people have worked on all their lives for normality and good. If you look at biblical heroes such as Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and David none of them were ‘good’ they all lied, Jacob cheated to get his older brothers blessing, David had a man killed for his wife and yet they were all blessed by God. It is not by our works but by His grace that we are saved. I tried so hard in my life to please people and be good but time after time God has told me not to do life for people but for Him. I serve because I am serving my God and I love because I love my God. No one is “good” “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” Romans 3:23. Yet we are all blameless in His eyes.

    • Thank you, Cindy for your encouraging comment. It is true that we are all in the same boat, even if it doesn’t seem that way at all. You are right, it is not by our works that we are saved. None of us does anything to gain the favor of God, we just have it 🙂

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