One of the Good Days

Last night, in one of those blissful in-between states between being awake and sleeping, the times that I feel most close to God (and now my atheist friends will use this as evidence that belief in God is irrational because I feel closer to Him in a half-conscious state), but I felt that I made a very important connection, or rather God showed me an important connection, and I thought it was so important that I absolutely had to blog about it. It was a spiritual click, something that seemed quite brilliant. And now, I can’t remember it. Well, I hope I remember it if it was important, but if not I’ll leave it at this and talk a bit about my experiences today instead.

So, if you read my blog, you’d probably get the impression that I’m someone who is naturally kind of down, but doesn’t want to be. You would be right. It is part of my nature, but I try to fight against it, even though very often it seems like a loosing battle. But I know that God can defeat my absurd emotions, and I look forward to the victory.

But today was one of the good days, truly. I feel generally happy and fulfilled, like I have a good life and I am grateful for it.

Today just got off to a good start. I woke up early by my biological clock, even though I forgot to set my alarm. I thank God for that now. I had time to make myself look presentable, which is unusual. By the way, I need to go into a thing someday about whether or not makeup and fancy dress is a sin. But I’ll leave that to another day.

The morning commute was manageable, and I made it out alive, so I considered that a success. So I go to my classes, and I am able to focus a little better because I came more prepared. And they seemed like generally productive classes. But here is where the real game changer came in. And I think God put this in my life on purpose.

In my playwriting class, we were asked to write scenarios for possible one-scene plays and share them in class. A scenario is basically an outline of a play. Anyway, one of my classmates scenarios involved a Christian boy and a diva-ish, preppy popular girl who was very ungrateful. She would complain about not having a car and little things like that. Meanwhile, a friend of hers had real problems, like a father who got a heart attack among other tragic incidences. Anyway, after the scenario was read, we talked about it. People in the class expressed how they knew people like the first girl, and how they hated those kinds of people. And that’s when it hit me, that I can be like that sometimes. Not the popular and preppy part, but the ungrateful part. I realized, as I was sitting there “I don’t want to be like that at all.” It’s so counterproductive, not conducive at all to the things that I want to do in life. And how does that reflect on God if I can’t be grateful?

So, things went well after that. I mentioned the campus EV I was going to in my last post. Well, I showed up at the designated area on campus, and there was no one there. So it seemed, but then I saw a boy sitting on a bench. I sensed that he might have been there for the same purpose as me, so I started talking to him and turns out he was leading the EV. He didn’t actually think it would be good to evangelize with me, but he talked to me to get a feel for what I’m about, which is understandable. And then I met someone else from the group. They seemed very nice, maybe a little judgmental about me not going to church, and maybe they emphasize the formal church experience just a little too much, but I understand them, and I think they’re sincere. No one can be perfect, after all, you just pray that we’ll all get a little closer.

So then after that, I had dinner with an old friend and went to see her dorm, which was fun. We went to this thai restaurant on campus. I got curry noodles and thai iced tea, which really helped me power through my last class of the day! It’s also funny how caffeine helps me so much with my self expression skills. It just makes me feel like my brain and my mouth have a much better connection, as opposed to a lot of the time when they don’t seem to communicate that much. I hope one day the Holy Spirit Himself will give me that kind of energy!

Well, I’m very sorry if this seems a lot like a journal, and that I didn’t get to do any actual evangelizing today. Hopefully surrounding people who walked by picked up some snippets. It’s just that I’m happy! No, things are not completely resolved, and no, my life is not perfect, but hey, it’s close enough for me. I can work with this! Yes, God has blessed me and I can more than work with it, I ¬†feel like I can live, like I can go on, and keep on going and thrive forever. I feel self-confidence, can you believe it! I not only know, but at the moment I feel that God created me for a reason. I’m not a worthless, awkward alien, but I’m a human being, a child of God, and so are you.

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Just Another Day at the Movies

I’ve never been a fan of drugs. As much as the world intimidates me, well, I don’t want to die in the process of suppressing reality.

I’ve heard of writers who did drugs to get inspiration. Sometimes I drink coffee, and sadly it probably has the same effect that narcotics have on normal people. My brain bounces off the walls in my skull, and I think a million different thoughts, some of them profound and some of them just stupid.

The following may just be a product of caffeine. I hope it is inspired by God. I fear the worst. I warn you that what you are about to see is crazy, so crazy it may just be insane. That is the final disclaimer. Here begins what I believe to be the very first combination of philosophical rant, personal narrative, and movie review. This happened to me a few weeks ago.

I am on the way to the movie theater to watch Monster’s University, but my mind is in an entirely different place. I am not emotionally prepared for a lighthearted kid’s movie. As we walk inside, I realize something that I never understood before. I realize that the real problem is not that other people don’t understand me, but that I don’t understand myself. The rational part of my brain often tells me that God lives, that my life is blessed, and that I have every reason to be happy. My emotions tell me otherwise. I know that my emotions are wrong, but I can’t understand them, and I can’t understand why I let them influence me when I know the truth, and this misunderstanding only frustrates me more.

As I am thinking about this, I am suppressing tears, which only proves my point about the great disconnect within me.

I sit down and am resolved to enjoy myself, though I feel undeserving of an innocent, good time because I am so crazy. The slapstick humor in the previews for other kid’s movies only irritate me, but I am hopeful for what the feature presentation has in store. I am a little disappointed in the beginning. Somehow the jokes seem a little simplistic and ill-timed. But I quickly warm up to the movie.

I find myself relating, relating a little more than can be good for me. The little green sphere with the one eye is a version of myself. I feel lonely with him. Hopeful with him. I fail with him, I succeed with him. I triumph with him. I know that this sounds ridiculous. It is just a cartoon movie, I am aware. You really shouldn’t be judging me so much right now. I put the disclaimers.

The humor in this movie isn’t fall on the ground funny. And never do you feel like crying (unlike in Toy Story). Yet this movie has so much truth to it, and I actually think it impacted me. There were even themes. Yes, themes! I can’t believe myself, I’m treating a Disney movie like literature. Hard work and motivation vs. natural talent. Book smarts vs. real life skills. And still others. Not to mention, I didn’t expect the ending!

Mike Wazowski had a dream to work at Monster’s Inc., but everyone in his life was just a naysayer. And sadly, there was truth to the naysaying. But he presses on, he doesn’t hold back, and he makes it.

I want to be who God wants me to be. I want to be a writer, among other things. I want to be a kind, loving, joyful person. So far I haven’t proven myself, but God isn’t through with me yet. Still I’m just an immature kid who does things even stupider than the satirical things kids do in movies. But maybe someday I will be a woman that people can respect, who doesn’t give God a bad name. Maybe someday I will achieve my dreams and be everything I want to be. I was thinking about this in the car, driving back from the movie, because it finally hit me. I wanted to cry because I finally understood the movie. And I understood a little more about God, I think.

But maybe things won’t happen the way I think. That’s what’s in the back of my head. Somehow, that was still kind of okay with me. Whatever happens, everything is going to be alright. God only does things that are good for me. In the end, if I just push on and hold on, it will all be just as it should have been all along.

As I’m sitting in the car, I feel alive for the first time in weeks. I feel an exhilarating joy and a deep sadness at the same time, but the joy overwhelms the sadness. Suddenly everything looks different to me now. My mind is racing. I am thinking in a way and at a level I don’t usually think. I feel like the guy from the movie “Limitless.” Suddenly things seem to make sense. Suddenly I feel wiser and elevated from my struggles, but at the same time more confused. I am paying little attention to the things I usually pay attention to and more attention to other things, unusual things. Instead of buildings and cars, I notice the flowers on the weeds on the side of the road. It’s weird, but extraordinary, and I wouldn’t trade the feeling for anything!