Change- So We Finally Meet

Hello change,

You were right, you always stalk on by when I least expect it. Still deciding how I feel about you.

Sincerely…

I was just merrily writing along, happy as a clam. It had been a good day, despite the fact that I felt a little under the weather. It was nice outside, so I hobbled around and looked at the flowers to get some exercise. I watched some TV, and sat down to do a bit of writing. The house was quiet- what I”d been dreaming of- and I had time to spare. Not to mention, my friend writer’s block has been out of town, so there are really no complaints. I only wish I had a little more drive and willpower to really push through.

But anyway, enough about that. I was writing, and I got this phone call. I thought it might be the hospital. For a split second, I probably thought I was dying. But no- it was good news! At university, there were a couple super last-minute openings for on campus housing.

Yes, I did consider that good news. Good news that I hadn’t been expecting at all, especially after the email that I got, twice, which basically said, “Yeah, better luck next time, there’s way too much demand so find some other option.” So, of course, I made peace with it. What choice did I have? Another year of commuting- I was okay with that. Wasn’t I? I was happy!

So, there it was, there was the opportunity that I’d been dreaming of for so long- leaving home. But was it there to just taunt me? I imagined telling my mom about this. I expected an immediate and emphatic “no.” Why disturb the delicate balance?

I waited for what seemed like a long time. When we finally sat around the table with our sandwiches, I spit it out. To my surprise, she did not say “no.” She asked questions, made conditions, and expressed some concerns, but very calmly and cheerfully. I couldn’t believe she was being so reasonable. But it wasn’t a definite yes either.

I couldn’t curb all the youthful excitement. I could see a glimpse of it, of everything that I had ever dreamed of. Not spending two hours a school day in the car, having friends, people to talk to, going to events, meetings, making a difference in the community, being part of people’s lives…

Long story short, I asked my mom for an answer. She went back and forth many times. I cried a little. She obviously doesn’t really want me to go, but she could kind of understand my position. And I could understand her concerns too. Okay, that’s not really true, but I am truing to understand her position.

The reality of the thing hit me. And the price- almost $10,000. I knew it wasn’t going to be the dream I thought it would be, but reality always seems to hit me much harder than I imagined it would.

Now, where we stand is that I am allowed to go. She won’t hold me back, but she won’t support me either.

I am excited, frustrated, and yes, very apprehensive. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my family over this. I don’t want to be selfish.

I just want something to change I guess!

Is this what God wants? Would it be best for everyone in the long run?

I’ll sleep on it, I guess. Maybe by tomorrow, the opportunity will be gone, someone would have already taken it. I’m kind of hoping that’s the case so I don’t have to make a decision.

But I don’t really want that to be the case!

Agh- a house divided cannot stand.

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The Magnificence of the Status Quo

Things are changing all the time. Sometimes, I look back on my life, on my early childhood- and I can’t imagine how I got I am where I am today. It’s like I’m another person living another life. And then, at the exact same time- it isn’t.

For the past few years, my life has been pretty stagnant. My circumstances remain in what I often view as a pathetic rut. As the theme some of Friends puts it, “It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear.” Many of the changes I would like to see seem as impossible as ever.

I think most of us have seen sitcoms before. We often wonder why characters put up with other characters and why certain “necessary” changes aren’t made for extended periods of time, or ever. And more often than not, when major earth-shattering plot twists emerge, they are resolved and smoothed over within the thirty minutes.

Why is this? Why this relentless gravitational pull towards the status quo that coexists with the upward forces of growth and change? Why is it that despite our yearnings for improvement, we so often find ourselves stuck with the same-old-same-old?

Why does Leonard from the Big Bang Theory continue to room with Sheldon even though he’s a lunatic?

We get emotionally attached to our problems sometimes. You deny it now- but if all your problems were solved, how would you feel? Sometimes, the alternatives to our situation aren’t any better. In time, we tend to miss the past, even if it seemed less than perfect while we were living through it.

Sometimes, God knows what’s best for it. There’s a reason for change, and there’s a reason for the status quo just the same. When I really think about it, I do recognize the ways in which my circumstances are suited to my lifestyle and personality. The only problem is that I still complain and dream in vain of better days.

I do not mean to be insensitive in this post. There is a difference between the minor struggles that I have referred to and traumatic life crises. I do not propose to have a tightly packaged explanation for the latter. But I do know that for some of us, the status quo is our best friend. But even best friends come and go. And one day, more likely than not, we’ll come to cherish the memory of the annoying companion that we reluctantly put up with today.