Change- So We Finally Meet

Hello change,

You were right, you always stalk on by when I least expect it. Still deciding how I feel about you.

Sincerely…

I was just merrily writing along, happy as a clam. It had been a good day, despite the fact that I felt a little under the weather. It was nice outside, so I hobbled around and looked at the flowers to get some exercise. I watched some TV, and sat down to do a bit of writing. The house was quiet- what I”d been dreaming of- and I had time to spare. Not to mention, my friend writer’s block has been out of town, so there are really no complaints. I only wish I had a little more drive and willpower to really push through.

But anyway, enough about that. I was writing, and I got this phone call. I thought it might be the hospital. For a split second, I probably thought I was dying. But no- it was good news! At university, there were a couple super last-minute openings for on campus housing.

Yes, I did consider that good news. Good news that I hadn’t been expecting at all, especially after the email that I got, twice, which basically said, “Yeah, better luck next time, there’s way too much demand so find some other option.” So, of course, I made peace with it. What choice did I have? Another year of commuting- I was okay with that. Wasn’t I? I was happy!

So, there it was, there was the opportunity that I’d been dreaming of for so long- leaving home. But was it there to just taunt me? I imagined telling my mom about this. I expected an immediate and emphatic “no.” Why disturb the delicate balance?

I waited for what seemed like a long time. When we finally sat around the table with our sandwiches, I spit it out. To my surprise, she did not say “no.” She asked questions, made conditions, and expressed some concerns, but very calmly and cheerfully. I couldn’t believe she was being so reasonable. But it wasn’t a definite yes either.

I couldn’t curb all the youthful excitement. I could see a glimpse of it, of everything that I had ever dreamed of. Not spending two hours a school day in the car, having friends, people to talk to, going to events, meetings, making a difference in the community, being part of people’s lives…

Long story short, I asked my mom for an answer. She went back and forth many times. I cried a little. She obviously doesn’t really want me to go, but she could kind of understand my position. And I could understand her concerns too. Okay, that’s not really true, but I am truing to understand her position.

The reality of the thing hit me. And the price- almost $10,000. I knew it wasn’t going to be the dream I thought it would be, but reality always seems to hit me much harder than I imagined it would.

Now, where we stand is that I am allowed to go. She won’t hold me back, but she won’t support me either.

I am excited, frustrated, and yes, very apprehensive. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my family over this. I don’t want to be selfish.

I just want something to change I guess!

Is this what God wants? Would it be best for everyone in the long run?

I’ll sleep on it, I guess. Maybe by tomorrow, the opportunity will be gone, someone would have already taken it. I’m kind of hoping that’s the case so I don’t have to make a decision.

But I don’t really want that to be the case!

Agh- a house divided cannot stand.

My First College… Play

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Never mind my first college party, come on, we all know I won’t be getting invited to any of those any time soon. Not that I want to drink out of a plastic cup. I mean really, is that even safe? What about the BPA and the alcohol degrading the plastic? I also don’t enjoy puking a whole lot, and me doing hard drugs is basically the equivalent of suicide. Weed also annoys me, because of the smell, the implications, and weed activism. Weed activism is a pet peeve of mine, by the way, but onto the topic at hand. I guess sometimes I just wish someone would invite me so I can turn them down, or go and not do anything really stupid, just so I can feel like I’ve conquered peer pressure.

Last night I went to my first college play, as part of an assignment. Mind you, all the plays I’ve ever seen were happy, mainstream type plays, or conventional dramas. Not to put them down- I’ve seen some good theater both at my school and elsewhere, but nothing at all like what I saw last night. It was the most bizarre thing I’ve ever witnessed. It was this modern, artsy, hodgepodge of emotion, characters with no filters who spoke in stream of consciousness, contradicting themselves in profound ways. The play made little sense, but judging from the level of eloquentness, it should have made even less sense, and you found yourself kind of weirded out that it was making any sense to you. It was like a dream.

Some parts of it were a theatrical orgy. I wish there was another way to explain it. In the process of criticizing American culture, it also played off your basest instincts, making you love it and hate it at the same time. I found myself liking it in a way, but it was kind of scary. There was just so much stuff going on that it was hard to keep up. I heard a good line in it, but I quickly forgot it. I guess I should’t regret forgetting it. There are always things to be learned, but not what people expect you to learn. One thing that I’m reminded of is the uselessness of conventional human wisdom. What good is it to criticize American culture if you have no alternative for it, besides a counter culture that enjoys eating tofu, or perhaps a culture from another country, which also has its good and bad aspects. The only truly alternative way of living is in Christ, living in Christ above the temptations of the world and the constraints of ceremony.