A Not-So-Rude Awakening

Yesterday, the world was a menacing, senseless, torture trap that existed to humiliate and strip away my dignity layer by painful layer, until I would become just a worthless blob, effeminated (I think I just made up that word) with only an instinctive will to live. 

Today, the world doesn’t seem like that at all. It seems serene, orderly, and somewhat just, well, at least for me. I have to stop myself from falling in love with it rather than stopping myself for wagging my finger at God. iI wasn’t a sublime, glorious awakening to leave me in a surreal state of bliss, but it was something. I just feel now as if nothing can touch me. God has protected me from what I feared the worst, and I have no reason not to take his hand and get on this crazy magic carpet thing into quite literally God knows where… that was such a random and cliche Disney analogy, but I think I’ll keep it. 

What I’ve been going through doesn’t even seem all that serious anymore. I mean, what about the people in the Philippines? My life and my struggles aren’t the center of the universe, and they shouldn’t even be the center of my universe. How can I deceive myself into believing that it all really matters in the grand scheme of things? Not that it really, truly doesn’t matter, in a downer existentialist sense, but I’m saying, in the best possible way, that it doesn’t matter. Because God is God, right is right, and the world will keep on turning for as long as it will. God is the fortress, God is the power, God is the redeemer, His son, the lamb. 

Does it even matter what happens tomorrow? It will have to be dealt with, for sure, but why is it that I’m not having a full-blown panic attack? I’m not saying that all kinds of worry have been permanently purged from my being, but that would be nice. I’m just saying that I recognize, and it’s about time, that I need to just live in the moment, and smile, and breathe evenly. 

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Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Today was my third day of college. So far, I only have one casual acquaintance because he is my partner for a group project. It’s an interesting experience, commuting to college two days a week. You’re kind of anonymous when you’re there, just one among thousands with no little niche. It’s a good thing in a way, such a big environment. You get a lot of second chances because when you do something embarrassing (like I ALWAYS do), chances are the people who saw you doing it won’t see you again or remember. At least, I hope so. Like today, I had quite a few blunders. I accidentally opened an emergency exit and sounded a little alarm… In a library. My green tea latte spilled on the cup (which seems painfully trivial, but trust me, it was awkward). Oh, and I asked a really dumb question in accounting class, and couldn’t even play it off or make the professor catch my drift. I am convinced that after only 3 days of school, at least 2 of my professors are convinced that I’m some kind of idiot.

Every time I walk to class, I feel like I see the same sea of faces. Asian girls, maybe speaking Korean or Chinese or Californian, pretty girls on bicycles, cool guys on skateboards that whiz right by me at startling speeds, shy girls with their arms crossed, frat boys, artistic types, nerdy guys, short girls, groups of laughing, happy people, the occasional couple holding hands, girls wearing Greek shirts, blondes, Hispanics, African-Americans, Africans…

Most of the people I see, I know wouldn’t want to get to know me. But sometimes I see people with lost eyes, who don’t seem that different from me. If only I could stop them and say hi, say something, ask what their name is. But that is weird. So the current propels me forward, propels them in the opposite direction. We aligned in space, for a moment, but that was all. I know that they have their own life, and that I will likely never be part of their world. And as strange as it seems, the thought makes me sad.

Sometimes, I’m not that bad at walking, as opposed to standing. I feel weird standing sometimes. I can swing my arms and look straight ahead. I can walk fast too. I can look almost normal, like I’m just another girl who has her own life too, I can put on a brave face, a serious face, and pretend not to notice people, pretend that I don’t feel loneliness and apprehension. But I have a feeling that anyone who really pays any attention to me will see right through this thin facade, and the thought terrifies me.

Sometimes, I feel sorry for myself, and I weep when I am alone at night because I feel like my life is going no where, or that it’s just not moving fast enough to where I want to be. This happened to me last night. But then I told myself to get a grip, to stop being so ridiculous. I’m going to college, doing what I always wanted to do, getting a fresh start, not to mention I just recently had a book idea that I have a good feeling about. Not to mention, I have my family, who is always there for me. I got to thinking on the bright side, then reverted back, seesawed a few more times… And then, all alone, I started singing a worship song, all alone in my room to the stillness of the night. The stillness, that was really kind of like a churning. I know someone was listening, I know God heard me. I was afraid, the thought of the glory of God made me cower. It’s like in an old Disney movie, when someone says something like “oh, look, it’s blah, blah blah.” And then they’re like, “HOLY CRAP STICK, IT’S BLAH BLAH.” You know the corny little comedic technique. That’s how it is with me. Most of the time, I console myself with the thought that God is watching. And then, on rare occasions I’m like WAIT, GOD IS WATCHING… I’M NOT ACTUALLY ALONE! And then, that reminds me again what it’s really all about. It’s about God. It’s about God, it’s about God. That’s not something you can learn in a day. I have to remind myself all the time. It would be better if I reminded myself more. Better yet if I took action.

Sorry that this post has been so melodramatic and abstract. I’m in a weird mood now, in case you didn’t get that impression. Hopefully I’ll start making sense again soon.

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