Trying to Find My Soul Where My Sanity Used to Be


It appears that my sanity has decided to hibernate for the winter. It probably has something to do with the fact that I haven’t been writing or blogging for the past three weeks, so the craziness has had no way to escape. I miss my sanity. Problems that make sense are generally more pleasant than completely irrational ones. 

Here are some things that I’ve learned over the Christmas season (if you are offended by my calling it Christmas, you will probably be offended by virtually everything on this blog):

1. You don’t need to prance around a Christmas tree and open gifts to discover what it’s all about

2. Satan may win the battle, but he won’t win the war. It’s best not to humor him at all. Don’t let him convince you that the world is filled with nothing but evil and hypocrisy. You are not destined to sin and eventually find yourself burning in a hell that you never really believed existed. It’s a lie, like all the lies he tells. 

3. Sometimes, it’s best to just stand back and see what God thinks is best

4. Anyone can improve themselves in fitness and feel better

5. Cilantro on pizza actually isn’t a terrible idea

6. Times of deep suffering can be the times that you finally understand what life is about. Unfortunately, those moments quickly end. But you are better because of them, even in your ordinary life

I haven’t completely uncovered my soul yet. I kind of just want to be sane and happy again. It’s a one-step-forward-two-steps-backward kind of game. I’ve seen glimpses of it, though, even in my sin. And I think that I can make it, I really do, no matter what anyone thinks. 



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If Every Day Was Thanksgiving


This was the first year that my family didn’t have an actual turkey, which kind of threw us off, but you know, what does it really matter, we had other good food. And I still gained a bit of weight. I suppose I didn’t spend a whole lot of time being thankful today. I found myself sulking at one point in the day, which was kind of ironic. But then I thought… Why is that a bad thing just today? Shouldn’t every day be like Thanksgiving? Even without the gravy, the extended family, the parade, the shopping? Shouldn’t every day be spent giving thank to God for life, health (if applicable), family, friends, resources, work (again, if applicable). And yet, our society tells us that we should make thankfulness a temporary thing, and the rest of the time should be spent climbing up ladders and gawking over things that we don’t have. As if that’s any way to live.

photo credit

A Blue Christmas


I am beginning to understand why the approach of the holidays (Christmas, in my book, because it least it has the word Christ in it) often makes people depressed. I remember being a kid, and loving Christmas, for materialistic reasons, mostly, but being excited about it just the same. Was I going to get the newest gaming system thing, or, worst case scenario, just some new dolls? I wish I hadn’t been so greedy, but I miss those simpler sorts of dilemmas.

But this Christmas is not going to be so hot. With no friends, no extended family coming over, no material things to receive, and nothing that I even want that can be bought with money… what’s there to look forward to? No wonder suicide rates are so high this time of year, a lot of people have much less to look forward to than I do.

“It’s just another birthday (my birthday is a few days before Christmas), just another Christmas, just another New Year, which will be the same as last year or even worse, and at the end of it, I’ll be the same as the year before, or even worse. Where are the best years of my life?”

I can spend a lot of time thinking like this, thinking about how pathetic my life is and how I can’t wait to go to heaven and sing with the angels and my Christian friends who never liked me on earth. But then I remember… why am I wasting my time being sad and holding back tears? What does it matter if some parts of my life aren’t perfect? Who said that life was going to be easy and predictable and rosy all the time? Am I the first person who has experienced hurt? No. Will I be the last? No. Does anyone want to hear me complain, does anyone think my pain is justified, and does anyone really care? No.

I have everything that I need. And at least I can look forward to spending time with my immediate family, writing, perhaps some cookie baking and tree-decorating. What more can a person want out of life?

In economics, we learn about how self-interest makes the world go round. We learn how “smart for one, smart for all” puts food on the table. Yet I don’t want to live that way. I don’t want to always be thinking about how to improve my life and worrying about what people think of me. I want to do my job and keep my soul, living a life that responds to Christ’s great sacrifice. I’m so tired of being tired… it’s time to wake up and suck it up.